Connection and Language

Here are my takeaways from L. David Marquet’s book Leadership is Language about Connection.

Connection: Connection is caring

• Caring what people think
• Caring how people feel
• Caring for their personal goals

When we connect, we do not judge from a position of power; we walk alongside from a position of encouragement.

Connections help provide psychological safety, where differing options are valued and everyone feel safe to see, think, and be free to state differing observations and dissenting opinions.

There are four options to build connections:

Flatten the power gradient

Censoring information is directly proportional to the power gradient. The steeper the power gradient, the less and more filtered communication you will get. A flatter power gradient results in less censorship of information, which will help with connection. Sometimes the power gradient is enforced by using the following type of language: 

• I am boss here
• It’s my decision 
• I have been doing it longer than you
• It’s our policy 

Instead of creating separation, create connection. Instead of doing things to or for people, do them with people. Reduce authority and increase observation. Use the following language to flatten the gradient:

• We need to decide about this 
• I saw you skipped the party to work diligently on the project.
• Your option matter here
• Your fresh eyes will help with new prospective 
• You have different experiences that will help inform out decision.

Note that when someone says, “I am proud of you,” he is reinforcing the power pattern, so avoid saying it to your team. 

It is difficult but not impossible, to flatten the power gradient completely. Although the power gradient should not be completely flattened as it confuses people, leaves decisions up in the air, and makes people unhappy, So flatten the power gradient only to the extent that a connection can be made and to encourage the free flow of ideas, not more than that. 

Another important thing to remember is to replace judging statements with observation, e.g., instead of saying “You wrote that report poorly” or “That report is poorly written” say “I noticed three spelling errors in the report”.

If someone is late to the meeting, instead of judging him, e.g. “I noticed you were late for the meeting, and that is unprofessional,” ask, “What is in the way of being on time for the meeting?” — Do not think for other people; let them take ownership and do the thinking themselves for their situation.

Admit you don’t know:

Admitting that you don’t know, allowing the team to admit that they do not know and encouraging the free flow of information It helps with connecting with the team as it shows that the leader is also the same as the rest of the people. No one has all the knowledge. Say something like

• I don’t know… but let’s look it up
• I don’t know… How can we test it?
• I don’t know… let’s run an experiment

Be vulnerable 

When leaders show vulnerability, it empowers people to chime in and express their concerns. Vulnerability is a powerful tool for creating connections.

Trust first

Trust people and your trust in them will effect their behaviour. They will work harder, stay longer, and unlock more discretionary effort when they feel trusted. 

Trusting is act of taking a risk and it helps to take a risk on people as their behaviour changes based on whether they are trusted or not. Trust always yields more benefits and connections.